//_o

Padaan lang...

2008-10-17T17:50:00.003+08:00

Just a quick update:
so far hindi pa din sya ULIT nangangaliwa (lets keep our fingers crossed)
2 more semesters + 1 summer and i'm finally getting my diploma
i lost weight and i go to the gym regularly (this is a semestral resolution haha!)
i'm happy

no nonsense

2008-08-31T08:25:00.002+08:00

i always hated choosing. any kind. or making big decisions that could drastically change my life. i don't have to do that now but i get the feeling that if i continue to see you, as much as we swear that we are platonic friends, i would sooner or later get to the point wherein i have to choose.

but your hand on my hand feels so good. your head on my shoulder felt like it was meant to be there from the start.

sigh.

but i love him. very much. and i can't leave him. i don't know why but there's this certain thing that keeps me attached to him no matter how he hurts me i still can't walk away. i made promises. and im not one to break promises.

and you. you just make me happy.

and he does too.

argh.

drunken me

2008-08-08T12:10:00.001+08:00

To be a good surgeon, you have to think like a surgeon. Emotions are messy. Tuck them neatly away and step into a clean, sterile room where the procedure is simple. Cut, suture, close. But sometimes you're faced to a cut that won't heal. A cut that rips its stitches wide open.

Should I stay or should I go? Can I forgive again and again? Face every pain?

Arawch: Aray + ouch = Arawch.

2008-08-06T23:30:00.002+08:00

My day began with menstrual cramps. Usually, I get my own doze of midol + sprite and lie in bed for most of the day. Today, I didn't even take aspirin for my headache. I wanted to feel the seething pain. Just feeling it physically kind of made the emotional pain stop. For a while. I'm thinking of getting a tattoo. Hmm... I remember a short story way back on my lit class on my sophomore year of college. About pain and how it satisfies some people. Anyway, this is a senseless post. I'm ranting nonsense things to stop myself from feeling pain. When will I ever truly smile again?

Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breath deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed but sometimes the pain gets you where you least expect it. Hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it and life always makes more.

when did all of this happen?

2008-08-05T10:46:00.003+08:00

i was reading my old archives when i realized how much i have changed. gawd, i miss the old tropang track-and-field days. where instead of facing trials head on, i run. instead of admitting my feelings, i make everything seem like a joke. and when a shred of commitment is foreseen, i hide.

hayyyyyyyy. si soulmate na miss ko din! it is only now that i appreciate his decision of remaining "just like this". parang nung umalis ako sa uste sobrang nagiba ang perspective ko sa buhay. dati i preferred no-strings-attached flings over long term relationships... nakakamiss ang blur ng pagiging single but emotionally taken.

what am i trying to say?

hindi ko din alam. whenever i look at him right now, parang hindi ko alam if i still want to stay. its confusing and scary as hell.

All the king's horses and all the king's men... Couldn't put Humpty together again.

2008-08-04T20:30:00.003+08:00

I think I've been through it all and yet I still haven't learned my lesson.

Jesrora - the most stubborn human being alive.

Been there, done that. Still not enough to stop me from letting myself get hurt.

Let's put the situation in a slightly different story since I'm in no mood to spill all the details.

A friend let go of his present love because he was still in love with his past. Nakasakit sya. He went to his past and told her that "I’m back". He held her hand but then she started to let go.

Nasaktan sya. He was left alone.

Si present, naging past na… Si past, wala na.

Moral lesson?

Ang LOVE may KARMA. At sabi nila, “Karma strikes twice.” Dami mo nang nasaktan.

Isa lang masasabi ko:

“Lord, mahalin lang nya ako ng totoo hanggang dulo, handa ko ng harapin lahat ng karma ko..”

Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall.

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

It's all in my head...

2008-07-30T09:05:00.002+08:00

Sabi nya we're a probably. I didn't want to get my hopes high up in the clouds again and get crushed afterwards if something undesirable happens pero yeah, it made me giddy. Imagine, at my young age, I already found my someone who I see I can be with in the future and he feels the same. Although he has a lot of shortcomings and he isn't my ideal guy, only with him I feel unexplainably happy. And only him can destroy me.

There are still a lot of doubts on my mind. Regarding his loyalty. Its really hard to build up the trust but I have to. We must. Though sometimes there are circumstancial evidences that they still have contact which I couldn't possibly prove... I feel that he's doing his best to make me feel happy and secured. Like he always "reports" what's he's going to do or where he is. (Though recently merong misunderstanding about sa date). A day doesn't go by without him saying he loves me. And yes, he spells it out. I LOVE YOU. Ganun. He always wants to spend time with me kung may cash or kung pwede kami both. Anyway, Im really hoping he really is loyal na. Whatever doubts I have now (Like the girl leaving a comment, message, and bookmarking his profile.) I hope it goes away through time or I swear I'd go crazy.

Ang hirap maging adult. I wish I could just go back to being a kid.

Probably means there's a good chance.

Possibly means we might or we might not.

Haha!

2008-07-17T22:39:00.000+08:00

Masaya ako. Wahahahaha!!!

Look at his friendster profile. Yun nlang. Haha!

para sa mga BABAERO!

2008-07-15T11:15:00.003+08:00

okay, di ko napigilan magsilent treatment kahapon. nagaway kami. for a while. give up na nga ko dapat pati sya dahil pagod na sya sa kakaexplain daw na hindi na sila, at ako naman pagod na sa kakatanong kung sila pa. explanation para sa password? ha! naiilang daw syang alam ko ang password nung babae nakakahiya naman daw dun sa tao na niloko nya galit na galit na sakanya tapos magsnoop pa daw ako. bakit magkadikit pangalan nila sa pass? ah, dahil hindi daw nya macontact yon dahil ala na silang number ng isa't isa at ayaw na din nyang itext yun lang daw siguro ang password na maaaring maisip nung chick.

ewan ko, bahala nalang. ipapasambahala ko nlang kay god. pero mukhang totoo naman yun sinabi nyang wala na sila. ewan ko pero meron akong gut feeling ngayon na totoo na yon. so ang problem ay nasa akin na... ngyahahaha... kasalanan ko bang nahihirapan ako ibalik yun tiwala!? second time na shet. sana naman kasi di nlang sya nagpapahuli eh! gayahin nya ko! di nahuhuli! joke lang.

tulad ng sabi ng isang friend, hindi pa naman kami kasal, so we don't really have the strings on each other. may point talaga sya! hehe.

anyway, i saw this article on the net, para sa mga babaero!

Adultery happens when you start looking for what you don't have.

"Wow,this girl in my office is a real looker. I'm crazy about her because she's also understanding, intelligent, tender - so many things that my partner is not. "Somewhere along the way, you'll find a woman or a man who will be more charming or sensitive. More alluring. More thoughtful. Richer. Have greater sex appeal. And you will find a woman or man who will need you and pursue you and go loco over you more than your partner ever did. Because no wife or husband is perfect. Because a partner will only have 90% of what you're looking for. So adultery takes place when a husband or wife looks for the missing 10%.

Let's say your wife is melancholic by nature. You may find yourself drawn to the pretty clerk who has a cheery laughter. Or because your wife is a homebody in slippers and pyjamas, smelling of garlic and fish oil,you may fall for a fresh-smelling young sales representativethat visits your office in a sharp black blazer, highheels, and a red pencil-cut skirt. Or because your husband is the quiet type, your heart may skipa beat when you meet an old college flame who has the makings of a talk show host.

But wait! That's only 10% of what you don't have. Don't throw away the 90% that you already have! Add to your spouse's 90% the 100% that represents all the years that you have been with each other.

The stormsyou have weathered together. The unforgettable momentsof sadness and joy as a couple. The many adjustments you have made to love the other. The wealth of memories that you've accumulated as lovers.

Adulteryhappens when you start looking for what you don'thave. But faithfulness happens when you start thanking God for what you already have. But I'm not just talking about marriage.

I'm talking about life!

About your jobs. About your friends. About your children. About your lifestyles.

Are you like the economy airline?

The main message: If you start appreciating what you have right now,wherever you are is FIRST CLASS!

barely there...

2008-07-14T10:12:00.003+08:00

i am going to meet him later. i wont say a thing. hindi ko na alam nararamdaman ko. mahal ko pa ba sya o nakasanayan ko lang na andyan sya sa buhay ko? ano bang sukatan para malaman mong mahal mo ang isang tao?

sa daming taon na nagmamahal ako, hanggang ngayon tanga pa din ako pagdating dito. parang masmadali pa magcosting kaysa magdesisyon sa mga ganitong bagay. kasi ngayon, most of the time, im not happy. i didn't say im totally unhappy with everything, i am happy especially when im with him... pero most of the time i worry.

i worry that he'd do it again, i worry na sila pa, i worry na magsawa sya. i worry. im not free to feel what i want to feel anymore. i cant even express myself to him. puro fears. nakakainis sya. bakit nya sinira ang sarili nya sa akin ng ganito?

hay... maybe eto nga nga... the end?

what you don't know won't hurt you

2008-07-13T09:12:00.004+08:00

hayyyyy, sabi na nga ba eh, kapag masayang masaya na ko at naramdaman ng forces out there gagaguhin nila ang feelings ko. i shouldn't have admitted to myself na masaya ako lately. badtrip. kahapon nagdate kami, ayos naman. masaya nga kasi basta. on time sya. masmaaga pa nga sakin! hay... ngayon bakit ako ngbblog? kasi di ako nakatulog ng maayos. eto nanaman yun di makahingang feeling. pagod na ko maging detective. kagabi paguwi ko, after ko maggudnyt sakanya (yeah invisible ako sa GG hehe, nagiinuman na sila kaya tinatamad na ko magtext e) di ko sinasadyang imbestigahan pero nasa ugali ko na eh (ARGH PANO BA MATATANGGAL YON) eh pinasok ko ulit ang friendster ng former kabit nya... guess what? kakachange pass lang. little did they know hawak ko ang email account non... so rinetrieve password ko... lam nyo kung anong pass? "katjareth0" wow noh? nakakapraning!? Definitely.

though sa actions nya at sched nya parang wala na talaga silang communication at hindi na talaga sila nakakapraning talaga. tulad ng sabi ng common friend namin, either sila pa or hindi lang makalimutan nung babae si kurt. ~_~ whatever. there are ways where i can found out if sila pa. i have my ways believe me. but right now, i don't want to know. ewan ko in the future pero ayoko na. im tired of this investigative ugali of mine. puta nakakapagod. nakakasakit. nakakapraning.

kung sila man pa din, tang ina nila. karma nalang po. hahayaan ko nlang dumating ang details magisa sakin. from now on i swear i won't exert an effort to find out things. ayoko na. sawa na ko. pagod na ko.

mela asked me... kung nambabae pa din si kurt kaya mo bang tanggapin na ganun ang ugali nya? tang ina. hindi ko alam. natatakot ako sa sagot ko. either tangang sagot or logical and practical but fucking hurtful answer ang masagot ko.

and you know whats harder? hindi ko maconfront si malvar about this dahil kakasabi ko lang na buo tiwala ko sakanya. ano nalang labas ko non? hypocrite? ... hay. nakakapagod na magboyfriend.

to infinity and beyond...

2008-07-12T22:58:00.002+08:00

wanna know what keeps me holding on?

YOU.

"Hindi ko na iniisip kung gano tayo katagal... Kasi hindi na din naman tayo maghihiwalay eh." -Malvar 07.11.08

la ko masabi. basta im okay. now.

i still hurt

2008-07-09T23:07:00.001+08:00

fuck. i shouldn't have read my old testimonials. namimiss ko yung old times.

bakit ganun dati hindi ko sya pinapahalagahan mahal na mahal nya ko. ngayon, simpleng gesture nya masaya na ko dahil rare na sya magpasweet. argh. i miss my old kurt.

ako + ikaw = tayo.

2008-07-07T23:32:00.002+08:00

sawakas, natuloy din ang long overdue meet up ng chonggos. though kulang ng tatlo... atleast proven namin na buhay pa ang isa't isa! hehe. sabi nga ni belly "parang kelan lang pagkatibo lang pinaguusapan natin, ngayon eto na." hehe. ang bilis talaga ng oras. di ko namalayan 5 years ago na pala since last ko silang nakasama! hehe. baka huli na yun! di natin masasabi! baka ang susunod na pagkikita may nanay na saming 8! hehe!

anyway, after i met up with malvar. (yes, now i refer to him as MALVAR, not KURT not JARETH but MALVAR. my MALVAR.) dinner sa kfc malamang, then watched hancock. the original plan was supposed to be the hulk pero dahil tamang hinala sa akin... hancock nlang daw para di na ko makipag date. tsk tsk weh! eh di manood nlang ng ibang movie... JOKE. =p

hay. ang hirap maging masaya na. natatakot ako amining masaya ako kasi baka pagnatsambahan nanaman ng kung sino man nagdidirect ng mga pangyayari sa buhay ko ang pagiging masaya ko eh biglang bawiin at bigyan nanaman ako ng sakit sa ulo. mahirap kayang di matulog every other day. mahirap maramdaman un constant ache sa chest. LITERAL na di ka makahinga sa emotional pain. ayoko na ng ganun. pero natatakot ako. kasi masaya nanaman ako. unti-unti nanaman nagiging okay. kanina pauwi, sabi ko saknya. "natatakot ako." siguro nagets nya, siguro hindi. di ko din alam kung gsto kong magets nya. ayokong maramdaman nya ngayon na sya ang kasiyahan ko. ayokong malaman nyang hawak nya ang alas. ayoko.

hindi ko naman na din mapagmalaki sa mga kaibigan ko ang mga nangyayari samin dahil sakanila lang din ako umiyak recently sa sakit na binigay nya sakin. ano labas ko nun? isang malaking tangang madaling magpatawad. kaya lang minsan you just gotta share kung gano ka kinikilig. (YES kinikilig na ko ulit, andun na ulit yun thrill, pano ba naman kada text nya iisipin ko ang reply ko ng matagal, iisipin ko pa nga kung magrereply ba ako o hindi parang balik ligawan amp.) hay....

itutulog ko na nga lang. baka lumobo ako sa saya. malaman pa ng mga forces out there bigla akong palungkutin.

okay na ba talaga?

2008-07-06T02:04:00.003+08:00

just when i thought that i was moving on... BOOM! bigla kang babalik. not that i'm not happy... yes i am. definitely happy. surprised lang. why so soon? effective nga ba yun pa-miss modes ko? o baka false alarm lang to? baka guni-guni ko lang.

remember the ring? yun binalik ko kahapon. na sinabi kong ibalik nlang nya kapag okay na sya.

guess what? binalik nya kanina.

di ko alam kung effective ang pagdalaw ko kay st. claire at pagsimba ko in one day! pero THANK YOU SO MUCH PAPA GOD! kahit lagi kitang kinakalimutan, lagi mo akong pinagbibigyan!

sa totoo lang natatakot ako sumaya ulit. kasi pagmasaya ako, alam ko may katapat na lungkot yun. natatakot ako sabihin sa mga friends ko na okay na tayo, dahil baka mamaya after ilang days hindi na ulit. totoo na ba ito?

kanina nagpplano na ko magmove-on, bakit kung kelan ready na ko tanggapin... dun sya bumabalik? sign na ba to? eto ba yun?

i like the way he tried to patch things up. sakto sakin. dati kasi dinadaan nya ko sa stuff toys ngayon alam na nya. natatakot ako. kilala na nya ako talaga. binilan nya ko nung accounting book na kailangan kosa actg 7 na hindi ko mabili kasi mahal! tapos simpleng abot..

sabi ko "ano to?"
sabi nya "dba kelangan mo yan? magaral ka mabuti. para sa future natin." (tawa)

oo pajoke. pero kilala ko si kurt. pagnagjojoke sa ganung bagay seryoso sya.

hays. then inabot nya yun ring. di ako makapagsalita. overwhelm, shock... kasi akala ko wala nang pag-asa. kanina kasi while i was at st. claires. out of the blue naluha ako. kasi sobrang hirap na ako.

tapos walang ka-doubt doubt, niyakap nya ako. yun yakap na halos dalawang linggo kong hindi naramdaman mula sakanya. then like how he was before he said i love you randomly... yun i love you na mahigit 3 buwan kong hindi narinig kung gano nya minimean. di ako makasagot. basta ang alam ko, alam din nya. mahal na mahal ko sya.

sana hindi ito false alarm. sana hindi ito dream. please. ayoko na po masaktan.

space

2008-07-05T07:52:00.003+08:00

I went to his house yesterday. To breakup. Dala ko na yun mga binigay nya sakin sinoli ko. Nasa sala pa nga kami nun nagpipigil sya ng luha. Halata. Kasi nagjojoke sya pero namumula mata nya. Sabay taklob ng unan. Inaantok daw sya. Di ko kinaya. Balak kong iwan lang yun at umalis na. Hindi ko nagawa.

Hay.

Pinagusapan namin lahat. Lahat lahat. Mga kalokohan nya. Mga kakulangan/kasobrahan ko. At ang tunay na dahilan ng space na hinihingi nya at alam kong kailangan ko din.

Masyado na syang naging sentro ng buhay ko. The fact na puro sya lang ang laman ng hindi lang blog ko kundi utak ko. Nawala na yun thrill. Kaya nambababae. Oo hindi rason yun. Pero sa araw araw na talak at away... Sa araw araw na pambabaliwala nya sa galit ko at sa pagkasawa ko magalit saknya... Nawala yun chemistry. Kailangan nya ko mamiss. Kailangan ko sya matutong tiisin.

Hindi namin kaya maghiwalay. Masyadong matindi nararamdaman namin sa isa't isa para itapon nalang.

Nasabi ko... "Hindi na ko nagiisip kung sino susunod pa sayo."
Nasabi nya... "Ako din di na ko nagiisip na may susunod pa sa akin."

Sinoli ko yun singsing na halos isang taon ko nang suot. Yun lang ang singsing na hindi bigay ng kamag-anak kong natagalan kong hindi hubarin o mawala. Sabi ko "Ibalik mo nalang kung maayos na ang lahat. Kung di mo man ibabalik... Alam ko na ibig sabihin non."

So what does this taking time off means? Kundisyon nya... Pwede ako magconsider ng iba pero di ako pwede magentertain. Pano kaya yun? Pano ako magcoconsider ng hindi nageentertain ano? Ganun din daw sya. Kung malalagpasan namin to. Dun namin mapapatunayan kami talaga. Nagkataon lang na nakasabay sa 3rd party yun realization na to. Alam ko madaming magsasabing nagpapatanga lang ako. Na reason lang nya to para dun sa babae. Pero iba pag kami nagusap. Alam ko at ramdam ko na wala lang yun. Na tapos na tapos na ang issue na yon at ako lang ang praning na hindi tapos yun. Pero ang ramdam ko dati pa eh yun unti unti na syang nagsasawa...

Natanong ko... "Mahal mo pa ba ko?"
Sagot nya... "Gagawin ko ba to kung hindi?"

Sabagay... Kung di na nya ko mahal eh nakipagbreak na lang siya. Ilang lalaki ang mageeffort na ayusin o ibalik ang chemistry? Diba halos imposible yun? Di ko alam ngayon kung anong hiling ko. Kung mabalik ba yun hinahanap namin... o hindi na at makapagmove-on ako.

Hindi ko alam.

Bukas nagyayaya sya manood ng Hulk... Gusto kong humindi. Gusto kong sabihin "Huwag muna tayo magkita, mag-isip isip muna tayo." Kaya lang di ko matiis. Hay. Malay ko mamaya matitiis ko. After ng lakad ko. Bahala na.

Lord, Give me a sign.

Na tama ang nararamdaman kong siya na talaga.

WANTED

2008-07-03T08:17:00.002+08:00

G: Ano.
K: Anung anu?!
G: Ano. Bakit ka ganyan?
K: Ngakz... Baket what?
G: Hehe cold... Pansin mo cold ka?
K: Ngakz.. Ndi ah.. Nagluluto lang ako..
G: Di rin... Hehe.. sabihin mo nga... Do you still like me to be your gf?
K: Oo naman.. Nagluluto lang talaga ako.. Baket? At nanonood ng monster house mo...
G: Anong monster house? Beck? Ndi rin. Kaysa magpatweetums ka sakin lately para maging okay ako parang lumalayo ka...
K: Yung monster house na hiniram ko sayo dati... Anong beck?! Onting time pa sana... Kasi nung time na hindi ka nagparamdam ng dalawang araw namimiss na kita eh...
G: Ah tagal na nun ah. So anong ibig sabihin nyan? Napapagod na kasi ako maghintay majo masakit poh kasi.
K: Minsan kasi sobrang miss kita. Minsan naman sa sobrang daming iniisip gusto ko maging single..
G: So anong gusto mo gawin natin? Yun okay sayo at okay sakin. Yun alam kong temporary lang... Natatakot kc ako baka permanente na tong sitwasyon natin... (I was referring to him being cold.)
K: Kasi minsan gusto ko gawin yung gusto ko, hindi ko magawa dun pumapasok yun kagustuhang maging single..
G: Mga gusto mong what?
K: Magdota... Uminom... Ng kahit anong time. Yun bang wala kang iniintinding magagalit pag hindi ka nagtext or nagparamdam...
G: Hehe ganun talaga, in life we have to choose what makes us really happy. Diba? Hehe... Kaya yun. So pano anong sitwasyon natin ang gusto mo? Para sabihin ko side ko para magmeet tayo sa gitna ng lahat.
K: Cge sabhin mo muna yun side mo... Mahirap magdecide ng ako lang eh...
G: Gusto ko mabalik yun dating ikaw at ako. Dating tayo. Pero alam ko hindi agaran. Kasi pag minadali parang andaming doubts. Kung magspace man tayo gusto ko ng assurance na hindi na kayo at di ka muna gagawa ng bagay na magiging kayo hanggang di natin tinatapos.
K: Okay.. Space kaso ganun nga.. Ndi naman tatagal ng ganun eh... Ganun din sakin... Ayaw ko magentertain ka ng iba... Kasi kilala mo naman ako dba? Kumain, matulog, magbuhat, at magdota lang gusto kong gawin...
G: Sana. Ganun naman ikaw dati. Sana ganun ka pa din. Cge Basta alam mo naman yun makakasakit at makakasira satin. Alam ko din yun. Tiwala nalang sana. So di na tayo magkikita today?
K: Magkikita pa din noh... Hahahaha!
G: Labo mo masmalabo ka pa sa accounting.

----

After that despite the advice of my friends na tarayan kong huwag na kami magkita pansamantala para makapagisip... Eh i still did go and met him sa rob. What can I do... Libreng movie eh? WANTED pa! Haha. Ganda ng movie! And during kasama ko sya parang walang mali. Parang secured. Parang ang saya. I hate that feeling. Yun pagkasama ko sya ang saya saya ko na parang walang makakaguho ng mundo ko. At paghinahawakan nya ko parang okay na ang lahat. Wala na lahat ng iniisip ko. Ganun eh. Pero pag wala na sya doon bumabalik ang pagkakomplikado ng lahat. Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko. Nababaliw na ko kakaisip. Ang hirap pagsabayin nito sa family stuff at school stuff. How am I supposed to manage the household, review for my upcoming quizzes, do my homework, find time for myself... all the while thinking about him and the girl?

I plan not to contact him until he contacts me. Until he SEARCHES for me literally. Kung yun ang gusto nya yun namimiss nya ko ibibigay ko sakanya. Yes, am weak. Bakit di ko pa putulin ang lahat? Kasi mahal ko. Why am I babbling here? Kasi ayoko pa mabaliw. Why can't I stop thinking about him? Kung alam ko lang ang sagot eh di marami pang tanong sa isip ko ang nasagutan ko.

Natetempt ako magentertain ng mga lalaki. Alam ko naman kaya kong gawin yon. Para maging distraction. Pero pag ginagawa ko yun maslumulungkot ako. Kasi masnaiisip ko bakit kailangan ko pang humanap ng pagbabalingan ng atensyon ko kung nakacommit naman ako sakanya? Bakit ba kami nagkakaganito. Hindi maitatama ng isang maling gawain ang isang pagkakamali dba?

Alam ko.

Hindi na binibigyan ng parangal ang mga martyr.

let the pain remain

2008-07-01T14:01:00.002+08:00

totoo kayang time heals all wounds? kung ganon gsto ko malaman kung kelan ako makakapagpatawad ng tunay.

kelangan ko na yata ng shrink.

"its weird as it happens, isn't it? you still love the person, but you stop needing them like you used to."

paulit-ulit nalang parang merry-go round

2008-06-30T20:07:00.002+08:00

this happened last week. tapos na yun issue. pero ang hirap kalimutan. nakapagpatawad na ako pero ang hirap hirap hirap kalimutan. why do men cheat? this question have been asked again and again. pero walang certain answer.

so much is going on in my head since i found out. bakit ganun!? napaka-unfair ng mundo. ikaw na ngang niloko ikaw pa mahihirapan pagnalaman mo. tapos yun mga nanloko parang wala lang sakanila!?

and why do i always ALWAYS forgive people i love? why do i still love him despite all the wrongs he'd done to me? kelan ako matututo? kelan ako matatapos?

last blog was about his cheating then. then now? ganun pa din. ano ba yan. natatabunan na ng bad memories yung pinagsamahan namin. i wasn't going to write about this talaga. pero ngayon ko lang naranasan yun di makatulog sa gabi. sa school habang naglelecture biglang sisikip dibdib mo dahil kahit you keep pushing the thoughts at the back of your head it keeps on bothering you. kahit sandamakmak na auditing theories ang ipatong mo lulutang at lulutang pa din you thoughts na... totoo ba yun sinabi nyang hindi nya minahal yun babae? totoo bang mahal nya ako?

wala akong pagkukulang alam ko. bakit ba ang libog laging lumilitaw sa mga kalalakihan!? iba gingamit magisip. hindi yun ulo sa taas. at sa mga ganitong paraan ng pagiisip nila andaming nasasaktan.

minsan naisip ko na ring sana naging lalaki nlang ako. masisimple ang buhay.

sa ngayon hindi ko na alam nararamdaman ko. mahal pa ba kita enough to forget everything? when will everything fall into place again!? hindi mo na ba talaga uulitin?

ngayon tuwing dadaan ako sa simbahan, masama man, pero isang matinding karma ang hinihiling ko para sa iyo, mahal ko.

letters to you

2008-04-22T10:56:00.005+08:00

Hehe, 16th month tpos nauwi sa wala ang balak naming exchange gifts ni kurt dahil sa sunod- sunod na mall hopping, night outs, at outings... (Weird di naman ako nagnanightout wala pa din pera!) Yun 11k naubos ko in 1 month di man lang ako nakabili ng psp haha! Anyway masgusto ko pa tong letter na to kaysa sa mga stuff toy na binigay nya na pagkalaki laki laki... (I just don't dig PINK BEARS!) Di ko naisip meron syang creative side haha... "presentation" daw hehe! I remember yung time na naghahalikwat kami sa room nya ng loveletter sa knya nung highschool haha! Laftrip yun! Hehehe ngayon ko lang nasilayan ang penmanship nya haha! At maspangit ito sa penmanship ko! Lol.

Finally nakapanood din ako ng hindi cartoon or animated na movie. Nung 19th ano ba gnawa namin? Tambay sakanila, had dinner, then watched forbidden kingdom, then had dinner ulit, then tambay aun dun na ko nakatulog tpos the next day breakfast sa kfc. Kawawa naman ako everytime na kasama ko si kurt tumataba ako. Huhu. Super foodtrip. Hehehe!

fast forward. pause. play. rewind.

2008-04-18T22:44:00.002+08:00

I feel i grew up overnight. I feel so stressed, jaded, and run over by life now. Gusto kong pumunta sa isang open field at magsisigaw. Theres so many feelings pent up inside me. I'm tired of being called praning. It's not my fault din. The way I act. Sana if he can't do something to stop this. Sana he'll try to understand. I want to cry. So bad I went to the bathroom and cried myself out in the shower para di halata. Para di ko maramdaman na umiiyak ako. Bakit di ko naramdaman un pagiging kid? Ever since highschool sunud sunod na serious relationship. I need a break. Ngayon. Kung kelan matanda na ko. Rewind please Papa God. Rewind.

cheesy eggnog

2008-04-14T00:29:00.003+08:00

"Magttwenty-four years old na ako. Mga friends mo 20-21 graduate na. Ikaw nag-aaral ka pa pero maggraduate ka na din. Ako wala pa kong na-aachieve. Wala pa kong napapatunayan. Wala. Computer. Tambay. Ganun. Wala pang nangyayari sa buhay ko... Kundi Ikaw."

Ampota.

He was never a talker. He never shared his thoughts with me sa tagal na namin. Whenever magkasama kami I was the one always talking and bitching or telling stuff. Sya lagi lang nakikinig. So when he shared this thing to me. Nung friday night habang nakahiga sa sand... Wala akong nareact. Alam ko corny pero big deal sakin yun. Dahil sa dami ng pinagdaanan namin lately di ko alam na gnun sya magisip. Di ko alam na gnun pala nararamdaman nya. Pagnagaaway kami madalas kong sinusumbat na wala syang patutunguhan. (Yeah I know I'm so mean! Pero madalas eh defense mechanism ko lang yun para saktan sya dahil nasasaktan ako! Pero di ko minimean talaga yun.) Iniisip ko rin sa sarili ko kapag anjan ang mga sitwasyon na gusto ko nang bumitaw dahil sa hirap sa mga sakit na binibigay nya... na hindi sya kawalan... Wala sakanya ang dream qualities na hinahanap ko sa ideal guy ko. Matalino, Charming, Responsible, Makwento, Creative, Spontaneously Sweet. Wala.

Nang sinabi nya yan, wala ako nasabi. Wala ako nareact. Di tulad ng madalas kong banat na babarahin sya or sasabihin aww sweet mo naman.. Wala. Stuck up! Tinitigan ko lang sya. Sabay change topic. Pero sa puntong yun. Gusto ko nang sumabog. Umiyak. Di ko alam kung sa tuwa. Or kung sa gulat. Basta gusto ko umiyak at sabihing mahal na mahal ko sya at natatakot akong baka di ko kayanin ng wala sya.

...

i'll stop the world and melt with you

2008-04-13T23:47:00.004+08:00

Summer na!

Current addiction: Beach.

I've realized na hindi naman nawawala yun writing skills ko. I just need to be "depressed" to write creatively. I don't function well in writing kapag happily taken... Though I miss my writing skills and yun pagiging bitter... (Lol. Parang naiinspire sa pain! Parang masochist ata ako?!) I wouldn't trade it with what I am feeling now. Scary as it seems I am seriously fucking HAPPY that everything's working well and this freaks the hell out of me... I want him to be THE GUY. THE ONE. Get it? Basta ganun. Ewan! Nakakatakot ayoko nang isipin dahil mahirap madisappoint. Bottom line is: Hanggang masaya ako magiging senseless ang posts ko. :P

I think with my heart.

2008-04-01T01:37:00.004+08:00

When I was young, there was somebody told me that, "the one who loves you, will not make you cry alone at night thinking about him. They will be right beside you telling you it will be alright."

Is it?
No one knows.

Now only I know, the worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside him knowing that he really isn't all there.

The dramas from TV always show us that, love is complicated. It begins with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with a tear. What a cliche.

For me, Love begins with fate, Grows with time and ends with regret…

Trust me, if you want to be successful in life, be a wise. If you want to be successful in love, be foolish. Don't go for looks because it can deceive. Don't go for wealth; even that fades away.
Go for someone who really can love you, who'll able to sacrifice for you and won't let you cry.

I'm just saying... Since pain is always present in loving... go for someone you FEEL is worth it all.

"Why do I keep on hitting myself with a hammer?
Because it feels so good when I stop."

praning modes

2008-03-30T01:03:00.007+08:00

komodo03dragon: edi mahal na mahal mo
avocado boyrl: ahaha di naman
komodo03dragon: tapos lokohin ka na naman
avocado boyrl: amp
komodo03dragon: tawag ka sakin iyak iyak ka
avocado boyrl: di ko na nga iniisip
avocado boyrl: T_T
komodo03dragon: hahaha
avocado boyrl: wahaha
komodo03dragon: sarap mang inis
komodo03dragon: nakakasawa pag usapan si kurt
avocado boyrl: oonga ehhhhhhhhhh
komodo03dragon: iba naman niloloko ka nyan e
avocado boyrl: pakyu ja
avocado boyrl: lagi mo sabi loko nya ko
avocado boyrl: matutulog na nga ko mamaya
avocado boyrl: mabrainwash pa ko
komodo03dragon: nde ba?
avocado boyrl: ndi na
avocado boyrl: ndi na
avocado boyrl: ndi na
avocado boyrl: ndi naaaaaaa
komodo03dragon: hahaha
avocado boyrl: pero niloloko ba nya ko!?
avocado boyrl: ayan na pakyu ka prinaning mo ko tutulog na nga ko mamaya awayin ko pa un
avocado boyrl: gudnyt wag ka magpapaligaw sa santolan
komodo03dragon: ahah dimo naman kelngan awayin e
avocado boyrl: ahahaha
komodo03dragon: i tatak mo lang sa isipan mo
komodo03dragon: wag masyado kumpyansa
avocado boyrl: AMFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
komodo03dragon: malay mo meron na naman bago
avocado boyrl: di ko kayaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa makipagrelasyon pag gnun
komodo03dragon: arte mo

pano ka makakatulog kung may brainwasher kang kaibigan!? pero siguro para din sa ikabubuti ko yun pangppraning nya no? dapat di masyado kumpyansa sa relasyon? pano kaya yon? what's the point of being in a relationship if you're not assured that you're the only one? anong benefit sayo ng relasyon kung sa kada halik nyo iisipin mo na ginagawa din nya to sa iba? anong kasiyahan pa mararamdaman mo sa kada i love you eh maiisip mo may sinasabihan din isa? di dapat ganun. di naman lahat ng lalaki parepareho dba? right?

hindi kita kayang tiisin

2008-03-29T02:28:00.003+08:00

Ano namang mawawala sakin kung hindi kita tatanggapin ulit!? Masmarami namang mawawala kung papakawalan kita. Go gem! Do the plunge! Sayo ko lang nafeel yun chemistry, kaya here i am, taking my chances... Yes I know definitely I'd get hurt again pero I wouldn't the happiness I feel when I'm with you to anything in the world.

Kapit sa patalim. Masaktan man ako, wala akong panghihinayangang hindi ko ginawa.

ramblings

2008-03-26T10:04:00.004+08:00

how do you reject someone you feel you can't live without?

am i happy you chose me over her? can i still love you the way i did before? ako nlang ba talaga? nababalik ba ang pagtitiwala?

ano bang mapapala ko kung bibigyan kita ng nth chance? anong dahilan ko bukod sa gasgas na dahilan "pagmamahal".

blanko. walang sagot sa mga tanong ko.

hunger strike ako since monday. atleast i've slept for 3hours na. it's not that i'm doing this to look kaawa-awa or something. its just that i'm in no mood to eat. yun mga food dito sa house it makes me want to vomit pagnaamoy ko. yun sleep deprivation... di ko alam. makakatulog ako siguro for 15 minutes then magigising mapapaisip tpos ayun mawawala na ang antok. honestly ang sakit na ng katawan ko kasi pagod na pagod na ako.

ang galing nya with words. sa text. siguro nga dapat talaga hanggang text nlang kami. nyahahaha. kasi di ko makita effort nya. di ko alam kung totoo mga sinasabi nya. malay ko ba kung break na talaga sila ano? nakakainis after all this time malalaman mo meron palang iba. tapos pag nahuli mo iiwanan nya then idadialogue sayo ang "walang iba, ikaw lang, mawala na sila, wag lang ikaw."

geez. kala nya siguro nakukuha pa ko ng words nya. sana man lang may real life effort eh. peace offering? wala man lang balak magpakita ng sweetness irl after every pain he inflicted on me. gusto after magsorry okay na in a snap. ni hindi man lang pagusapan. though i don't want to know the details this time, nasan man lang un effort na tanungin.... are you okay? ang lapit lang ng cainta sa cubao versus bulacan sa cubao... bakit di man lang mageffort na puntahan ka at kamustahin ano? owell...

bahala na sa last chance...

walang title

2008-03-25T09:27:00.002+08:00

i should have never believed in fairytales. walang prince na gigising kay sleeping beauty, ang glass slippers ni cinderella ay di nahanap, si snow white ay matakaw kaya sya nalason ng apple na binigay ng isang stranger. walt disney kasalanan mo kaya andaming mga batang eager magfall in love. dapat kang ipako walt disney dahil sa mga false hope na nilalagay mo sa utak ng mga little kids. die walt disney die!!!

i always believed that love could make a relationship survive no matter what. right now after all the betrayal, na pilit pa din dinedeny, huling huli na dedeny pa, at ngayong walang mahanapang malulusutan na butas magsusumamo.... I LEARNED THAT TRUST IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN LOVE.

i wouldn't wanna be the paranoid girlfriend who always checks your mail, messages, and calls. i wouldn't wanna be the control freak who would like to know where and what you are doing all the time. i want to be stress-free. yes i love you, i accept you're apology, but i'm not God. i can't just forget, i rarely forget. because as gullible as i can be, i have my limits.

and right now i think you forced me to reach it.

shattered dreams

2008-03-25T02:48:00.002+08:00

this photo explains it all

happy beerday to me

2008-03-12T00:35:00.002+08:00

Akalain mo hanggang ngayon hindi pa rin tapos ang celebration ng 21st birthday ko. Yes! Tama! Twenty-One.

Tiendesitas last Saturday March 8th, ksama ang dudepares (Finally! After a year! Reunion!) Though hindi kumpleto ayos na, and some close online friends... Downed some beer, pigged out... Haha!

And nung mismong day ko, my sweetness took me to ocean park! Pangkids! Maganda sana pero ang 400bucks mo ay parang super bitin! Bawal bumalik sa ibang parts nung park! Tapos soft opening palang sya so mejo boring since wala pa yun ibang facilities na nakalagay sa programme nila! Argh!!! Sabi nga namin dapat ngmovies and pigout session nlang kami! Food trip! Pero nagenjoy ako sa westside! Hahaha!!....

After that when I though I had the sweetest birthday ever, a bomb dropped nung gabi. Basta parang third party samin. Di ko nlang iisipin ulit, since we're trying to patch things up.

Hay....

Breathing

2008-03-03T02:07:00.006+08:00

I'm finding my way back to sanity, again
Though I don't really know what
I am gonna do when I get there
Take a breath and hold on tight
Spin around one more time
And gracefully fall back in the arms of grace

Kung kelan desidido na ako tapusin. Dun mo ako biglang hihilahin pabalik sa simula. Kelan ako aabot sa finish line? Meron bang finish line para sa atin? Happy ending? Totoo ba yun? O pang uto lang sa mga bata para makatulog ng mahimbing. Kinabukasan pag gising wala naman nagbago. Ganun pa din. Masaya ang mundo, ikaw nagdudusa. Kelan ako sasaya?

I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside Heaven's door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be

Isang tawag, my defenses break down. Nawalan ng saysay lahat ng pagtitiis. Weakness kita. Bihag mo ko.

I am looking past the shadows
Of my mind into the truth and
I'm trying to identify
The voices in my head
God, which one's you?
Let me feel one more time
What it feels like to feel
And break these calluses off me
One more time

Mahal mo ko? Padama mo! Importante ako? Pakita mo! Di mo kaya ng wala ako? All talk, no action. Pero tanga naman ako. Kahit alam kong di totoo andito pa rin ako. Niloloko sarili ko... Alam ko sapat na lahat ng ginawa ko. Ikaw naman dapat. Pero pipilitin ko. Ano bang mawawala skin? Masasaktan lang naman ako ulit.

I don't want a thing from you
Bet you're tired of me waiting
For the scraps to fall
Off your table to the ground
I just want to be here now

Hay tanga tanga tanga.

not all smiles mean happiness

2008-03-01T00:14:00.003+08:00

Im sick of feeling:
lonely
alone.
forgotten.
neglected.

I have everything anyone could ever want or need in life. I have a family, though my parents may be separated my mom does her best to give us all the things we ask her of. I have two sisters, whom as irritating as they can be I really care about. My granma stays with us and does all the chores that I should do. I have a circle of friends. I have a "best friend" who though isn't physically always present I know I can count on.

The fact of the matter is: Im tired of being taken for granted by the one I care about most. I have given up all hope. For the past years I have found all my happiness in relationships, and for the past weeks... I have finally realized that I need to be happy with myself before I can be happy with anyone else. It just doesn't make sense though. I look back to when we started out and everything seemed so perfect. But now I realize it was a happiness that would soon fade. Actually, is NOW FADING.

I chose to not let anyone in before, because I was scared to be disappointed. And when I get disappointed its worse than being hurt. But when the time that I chose to open up the only happiness I have ever truly known is the one who keeps on disappointing me. Again and again. Its like a cycle everyday.

Why do I get like this? So depressed, so sad. When you look at my life as an outsider, any person would think that I would be crazy if I was still unhappy. But I am sometimes. I cant help it.

When I dont get a single text message in one night, I get sad. When I dont get a phone call from a particular person for an entire weekend I get sad. This sounds like the type of thing that just about anyone would experience, but for me. Its goes a little deeper. Well, actually I think I would describe it as more of a longing.

I think its a longing to be REALLY someone's somebody. Not even a girlfriend, or wife. But just someone's out, or hero. Because maybe, just maybe..If I can be someone else's hero, anyone's at all.... Then I can find my own way out as well.

2008-02-28T12:33:00.002+08:00

Siguro in denial lang kami. Wala akong maisip na paraan para gawing metaphorical itong post na to. Di ko alam kung ayoko lang harapin ang nangyayari or di ko lang kaya. Ayoko isipin pero minuminuto akong ginugulo. Bakit ganito na?

. . .

Yun nlang. Di pa ko ready magopen up.

I'll end with this:

A failing love is like desperately hanging on to something precious, not wanting to give up, but your hands feel the pain. And when you finally let go, you're free from any pain, but your hands are empty..

teka nga muna! STOP!

2007-12-13T23:39:00.000+08:00

Isang taon pala ako mahigit nawala sa sibilisasyon. Hmmm, para sa kacornyhan magrerecap nalang ako ng mga pangyayari sa buhay ko kung bakit bigla akong nawala hindi lang sa blogger kundi kahit sa tunay na buhay na mga kaibigan ko.

Pinakilala ako nang isang former uber "inakalang soulmate" sa isang online MMPORG game... wooh! Ano yun? Sa totoo lang hindi ko alam ang ibig sabihin nyang acronym na yan pero ang mga ganyang game ay masmasahol pa sa DOTA. Get it? Hindi lang nakakasira ng relasyon, nakakasira ng pagaaral, at nakakabutas ng bulsa!

O basta yun na yun! Naglaro ako ng RAN Online, naadik, nainlab, nagpabaya, nakickout, nagenroll sa ibang school, nagdrop, nagenroll ule, nagdrop, at ngayon nagenroll ule at struggling hindi idrop ang naiiwang 12units.

Yung mga past posts ko... halata namang isa lang ang tinutukoy kong tao dun e? Yun yong nagyaya sakin maglaro ng RAN.... Ngayon ano na kami? Platonic friends! =D Jeje. Expected ng marami kami magkakatuluyan! Hindi eh!

Ngayon, isang taon ako nawala diba? Feeling ko ang bobo ko na nga ngayon dahil sa lecheng online game na yan. Nakakapagcompute pa din naman ako ng income tax ng isang corporation pero iba eh! Parang d ko na kaya magformulate ng kabasa basang mga post kaya tinamad ako!

Eto pa napabayaan ko mga kaibigan ko. Hays.

Sa dami ng nangyari ang hirap ayusin. Pero di naman ako pdeng habang buhay nalang ganito dba? I lost some friends, yet i gained some. Mahirap lang namimiss mo rin un iba.

Kaya ngayon dahan dahan. Susubukan kong ayusin. Sisimulan ko na muna dito sa blog ko.

Dot dot dot. //_o

//_T

2007-12-13T23:30:00.001+08:00

//_T Hindi na ako natuto.

Paulit ulit nlang. Ang hirap ng ganito. Yun d mo kaya kontrolin ang sarili mo masaktan. Kasi sa pagiingat mong hindi ka mahulog ng lubusan di mo napansin unti-unti ka nang humukay ka na ng libingan mo.

Ang tapang ko sa labas. Kala mo kung sino magmando, pero sa loob ano? Isa pa rin akong batang napakadaling mapaniwala, mapaasa. Gusto ko baguhin ang pagiging ganon ko. Pero ang hirap.

Pinanganak akong naniniwala na ang lahat ng tao may kabaitan sa kanilang looban. Lumaki akong pinapangakuan, mga pangakong madalas hindi na naalala, hindi natutupad. Pero heto ako, naniniwala. Umaasa. Na sa susunod na pangako, sana mangyari na.

Nadala ko tong paguugali kong ito pati sa pakikipagrelasyon ko. Hindi sya masama. Pero lalo ko lang sinasaktan ang sarili ko.

tearing apart

2006-12-09T08:13:00.000+08:00

its been a while.
i have been totally hooked on RAN and still am.
one month na kong naglalaro at LEVEL 96 na ko as of today.
hindi rin ako papasok ngayon kahit may quiz sa Tax dahil hindi ako nakapagaral kagabi dahil 2EXP event all day kahapon.
hay. ang labo ng mundo. buti nlang sa game matino ako. T_T
X pala. and may bago na.
T_T

gawd.
hindi ako ganito.
bakit ako ganito kaapektado?

tae naman.

make damn sure

2006-11-27T08:26:00.000+08:00

im hooked sa RAN online.
wala lang.
kaya matagal akong hindi makakapagpost.

sinong may balak magregalo sakin ng VIDEO CARD? 256MB memory. GE-Force yun brand or kahit ano. basta 256MB. sige naaa. pasko na. =D

career mode sa theOne, school, at RAN. hehe.

KATAPANGAN. chuva.

2006-11-24T10:35:00.001+08:00

hindi sa lahat ng oras ang mga bagay na exciting eh masaya. minsan ang mga bagay na komplikado kung haharapin nalang imbes na tinatakbuhan eh magiging simple.

pare-pareho lang naman tayong duwag eh.

duwag masaktan.
duwag maiwan.
duwag makaexperience ng tunay na kasiyahan.

bakit ganon?

uso ba ang depression?

oo. mahilig ako sa EMO. pero pakinshet. ayoko namang gawing emo ang buhay ko. pagod na ko kakatakbo eh. takot ako. takot ka. alam ko. pinag-usapan na natin yan dati pa. pero eto ako. haharapin ko na lahat. nasa sayo nalang kung sasamahan mo ko.

siguro hindi mo pa alam.

o nalalabuan ka sa akin.

matagal na tayong ganito.

eto lang lilinawin ko:

MAHAL KITA.

<3 ti.na.ma.an. swabe. komplikado. pero sakto.

2006-11-17T05:14:00.000+08:00

So what's the point in all of this?
When you will never change
The days have passed, the weather's changed
Should i be sorry? could i be sorry?

I did it all, all for you
Hoping you would see
Your ayes are dull, your hands are clenched
Are we ready? are we ready?

But you, you think about yourself
Only but youself
But what about...

Un-lonely nights
Romantic moments
The love, the love
What about them?
Throw it all away

You know me well, you know it's wrong
Then what is it feel?
You hide behind those perfect smiles
It won't fool me, cause you already did
I did it all, all for you
Hoping you would see

Your ayes are dull, your hands are clenched
Are we ready? are we ready?
But you, you think about yourself
Only but youself
But what about...

Un-lonely nights
Romantic moments
The love, the love
What about them?
Throw it all away

The perfect dates
The sweetest kisses
The love, the love
What about them?
Throw it all away

So what's the point in all of this?
When you will never change
The days have passed, the weather's changed
Should i be sorry? could i be sorry?

*WILL YOU EVER LEARN*

TYP[e]CAST

of fireworks and obscure signals

2006-11-13T00:52:00.000+08:00

"There are some people who meet that somebody that they can never stop loving, no matter how hard they try. I wouldn't expect you to understand that, or even believe it, but trust me, there are just some loves that don't go away."--- Ally McBeal

i never believed or even gave thought to the concept of "the one" or the thing they call "soulmates". in my world, those things ceased to exist after i got my first heartbreak.

no, i didn't consider my first as my soulmate. yes, they had those "first love never dies" sayings and there's ally mcbeal to prove that. but i don't. in every relationship i had eversince, i know and i felt that there would be an end. there's always an end to these cheesy fuzzy feelings. i had that rare sense of maturity towards handling my vulnerability when i'm in a relationship. i never entertained the notion of "forever". in fact, i didn't even consider it despite one of the few X's who kept saying it would be true for us. (lo and behold, i was right it didn't.)

i'm not writing this down right now to say that now i do believe in forever.

i still don't.

and i'm still quite vague about the idea of me marrying someday.

but...

now, i am uneasy. because now i believe in the theory of "the one".

why the sudden change?

i found him.

the one exists. but sometimes you aren't supposed to be with them.

ohio is for lovers

2006-11-05T13:02:00.000+08:00

Hey there,

I know it's hard to feel like I don't care at all.

Where you are and how you feel.

With these lights off as these wheels

keep rolling on and on.

Slow things down or speed them up.

Not enough or way too much.

How are you when I'm gone?

And I can't make it on my own

Because my heart is in Ohio.

So cut my wrists and black my eyes

So I can fall asleep tonight, or die.

Because you kill me.

You know you do, you kill me well.

You like it too, and I can tell.

You never stop until my final breath is gone.

Spare me just three last words.

"I love you" is all she heard.

I'll wait for you, but I can't wait forever.

[Hawthorne Heights]

random venom spillage

2006-10-27T12:29:00.000+08:00

my world has become vile. take this, for example: the belief that there is an existing person that desires to read what I disgorge. its pathetic.

tell me, whats new in my world other than the appaling stuff? nothing. people around me seem to care more about the raising prices of commodities than the number of people dying of starvation each day, and more jerks keep on appearing on the idiot box each day to proceed on telling how they helped the "unfortunate" part of the society in this or that way. shut up. nobody cares. except for, you know, the people that love you and all.

my life's become the sugar i've borrowed before, time and again, and forgot to return. it was a matter of time, i always said i could see, but now i'm going blind.

indolence is fatal.

stop sending mixed signals, you idiot.

21/46

2006-10-24T12:04:00.000+08:00

PAPA GOD definitely LOVES me.

i am still a thomasian.
walang definciency.
hindi delayed.
at definitely hindi debarred.

shet nakananginang yan oh! miracles do happen at the time where you least expect them to materialize. shet talaga. thank God.

i'm not grade-conscious pero sino bang hindi malulungkot kung makatanggap ka ng 5.0 diba? at wala pa akong balak maging tagaPSBA... shet! thomasian pa ko!!! to hell with the emo dialogues na "kung babagsak ako baka hindi para sakin ang AMV. matatanggap ko yun." SHETTTT!!! para sakin to!!! sana! sana! 2 times na kong pinapalusot ni Dearest Papa God!!! *apir naman jan Jesus*

hindi pa ko maba-BAN sa pagdodota... at isang pang masayang news eh... AM-MID na ang sched ko. ang latest dismissal ko ay 5pm.

YEHEY!!!

* apir. disapir. 1/2. 1/4. 1/4. 1/2. disapir. apir.*

entangled web of numbness

2006-10-19T16:18:00.000+08:00

There are condoms lined with a topical anesthetic for prolonged action. What a paradox. You dont feel a thing, but you can fuck for hours. This seems to really miss the point. I want my whole life lined with topical anesthetic.

I have always wished I'd never go numb on life, but as things turn out. I could not handle my emotions, and I know I could not control other people's feelings... but I want to. And wanting makes me feel low. And not wanting makes me feel... I don't know... Right....I guess.

I believe I am not making sense because thats what I want to be. A person whom people could never figure out. Weird as they may call me. But thats just a way I could keep them at arm's length. And when one has the slightest hint of breaking through me... I will run.

Everything with him was too much for my system. Too good. Too fun.
That stuff just ain't for me.
So people, just deal with it.

happy tree friends and temporary state of insanity

2006-10-16T20:21:00.000+08:00

i have never, in my life, been drunk like that.
(and i don't plan to do it again. but if it ever happens ewan ko nalang!)

but let me tell you this,
ang sarap ng feeling.

sa post-finals bday bash nila sabby and ellen, ako ay nalasing. hindi lang nalasing ang tawag dun. kundi deadbeat to the highest level drunkeness. at kung mai-aapply lahat ng natutunan ko sa LAW (ang subject na ibabagsak ko this sem) drunkeness is a state of temporary insanity kung saan lahat ng contract na gagawin ng taong drunk eh VOID. sana lahat ng sinabi ko pwede gawing void. nilaglag ko ang sarili ko. pero thankgod there was humor in it.

kasalanan ng 8shots ng grandmatador from shot poker.

but i was able to let everything out. that and yung lahat ng tender juicy jumbo hotdog na nilamon ko. sabi nila tatlong supot ng suka ang napuno ko. waw. achievement. never akong sumuka sa buong alcoholic life ko. and when i did... atleast i did it with grace. hehe. (salamat sa pagsalo sa suka ko jill. biyaya yan.)

eto ang first time that i have completely gone brain dead when drunk. the other times... they were just excuses to defend my kissing someone or doing something stupid. pero this one... wah! wala talaga akong maalala. (they said pinerform ko ang kantang YOU sa karaoke. shet. take note: PERFORM hindi kanta basta basta.)

but despite the freakin hang-over i have 'til now, i was drinking because i was happy. and though i don't have the slightest hint of the stupid things i did, i felt like i was cared for.

by my friends.

maybe i'm beginning to be an optimist.
maybe i'm seeing hope in things.
or maybe i just have good friends who knows how to take care of a drunk person.

i am jaded.
but i am happy.
because with the littlest hint of naivete thats left in my system...
i've got friends.

real fucking good friends.

DUDE. PARE. GAGO.

dudeparetol - tsong

jill. ish. andee. ellen. michi. pao. sarah
sabby diary. eros. jessie. gisli.

*matinding embrace*

happy 19th birthday diary and alaga.

i love you.

and there goes the yellow days...

2006-10-02T22:32:00.000+08:00

UAAP SEASON 69 Champs!!!

i don't like basketball.

and i don't get all the hype everyone's been putting to these UAAP basketballs games.

i'd rather suck it up in front of the television than squeeze in line to get a ticket for the championship game.

but guess what?

i ate my words.

ha! never thought UST Tigers would make it!

kaya sa susunod, finals palang pipila na ako.

ang hirap kaya maparinggan at masigawan at madakdakan ng impatient people habang sumisingit sa linya.

kulang na lang sabunutan nila kami eh.

tawa. =D

another excuse to NOT have classes and bond with friends.Ü

lucky

2006-09-18T09:31:00.000+08:00

it was a monday, when my lover told me,
"never pay the reaper with love only."
what could i say to you, except,
"i love you." and "i'd give my life for yours."

i know we are we are the lucky ones.
i know we are we are the lucky ones.
i know we are we are the lucky ones, dear.

the first time we made love, i i wasn't sober.
(and you told me you loved me over and over!)
how could i ever love another, when i miss you every day
remember the time we made love in the roses?
(and you took my picture in all sorts of poses!)

how could i ever get over you,
when i'd give my life for yours.

i know we are... we are the lucky ones.
i know we are... we are the lucky ones.
i know we are... we are the lucky ones.
i know we are we are the lucky ones, dear.

my dear, It's time to say i thank god for you.
i thank god for you in each and every single way.
and, i know... i know.. i know.. i know...
it's time to let you know.
time to let you know.
time to let you know.
time to sit here and say: i know we are... we are the lucky ones.

i know we are... we are the lucky ones.
i know we are... we are the lucky ones.
i know we are we are the lucky ones, dear.
we are the lucky ones, dear...

*Bif Naked*

play. pause. rewind. stop. walking backwards to the top.

2006-09-08T10:06:00.000+08:00

Minsan gusto ko nang lamutakin si Doraemon. Hindi lang dahil kakaiba ang mga kalokohan na tinuturo nya sa bunso kong kapatid tulad ng "mahiwagang pandesal" na nakakapagpatalino...

Matabang bunsong kapatid: "Ate ba't ka nagpapakahirap mag-aral? Kumain ka nalang ng mahiwagang pandesal ni Doraemon. Highest ako sa Sibika kasi ginawa ko yun."
Napakagandang Ate: "Ano nanamang kalokohan yan? Sige nga. Paano ginagawa yun?"
Matabang bunsong kapatid: "Yung pandesal ilagay mo sa ibabaw ng libro mo buong gabi, tapos kinabukasan kainin mo. Lahat ng sustansya ng libro ate makakain mo. Tatalino ka sabi ni Doraemon."
Napakagandang Ate: "Siraulo ka nanaman. Matulog ka na nga lang."

Pero sa totoo lang, ginawa ko yun. Hehehe. Desperado na kasi kong makapasa kahit isang quiz lang. Ang hirap kasi sa AMV, lahat departmentals. Ultimo simpleng pagsusulit departmentals, parang everyweek kami nagpreprelims. Isipin mo galing akong pre-com kung saan naging daily routine na namin maging tamad tapos biglang i-memajor ko Accountancy kung saan BAWAL ANG TAMAD. Dahil ang TAMAD... MADEDEBAR. Kaya sa sobrang desperado ko... kinuha ko ang Gardenia Bread namin at minarinade sa ibabaw ng Intermediate Accounting Volume 1 kong libro bago magquiz ng receivables. Ang resulta? PASADO. 68 ako. Nakakamangha.

Pero sa sobrang pagcra-cramming ko sa preliminaries kung saan from Chapter 1- Chapter 4 ang exam (Cash and Cash Equivalents, Recievables and Inventories)... hindi ko nagawa yun ritual ng bunso kong kapatid. Kaya bumagsak ako. Wala pa sa kalahati ang score ko. Kaya sinugurado kong makakalamon ako ulit ng "mahiwagang pandesal" next quiz. Nagawa ko naman. At lo and behold... Pumasa ako. 66 ako sa Inventories.

Hindi ko alam kung sino ang nanggagago sakin, kung si Doraemon ba o yun bunso kong kapatid pero gaguhin man nila ako malaki ang pasasalamat ko sa tip tungkol sa mahiwagan tinapay. Naisip ko minsan excuse lang ng mataba kong kapatid na pilit na dini-diet ng mama ko yun "mahiwagang tinapay" para makalamon habang nag-aaral eh. Hehehe.

Pero hindi pa dyan nagtatapos ang mga kwentong Doraemon ko. Hanep sa punchlines yan. Minsan may nagtext sakin na kaibigan ko ng dialogue na:

"Hindi porke't maganda ang resulta ng mga ginagawa mo ay lagi itong tama! Minsan ito ay mali! Mali! Mali!" Doraemon to Nobita.

Tawa ako ng tawa nung mabasa kung sino ang nagsabi. Isipin mo nga naman isang bilugan na cartoon character ang nagsesermon sa isang bilugan ang ulo nyang amo. Ewan ko nalang kung ano ang iniisip ng mga Pilipinong nagdu-dub sa mga dialogue nyang anime na yan pero astig. Dahil tama nga naman ang sinasabi nya. At masnakakatuwa sa mga simpleng hirit ng bilog na cartoon na yan.. nasasapul ang mga matatandang tulad ko.

Pero ang pinakalatest at matindi na natanggap ko kung saan eh napagdisisyunan ko nang tahakin ang landas patungo sa mundo ni Doraemon at mag-enroll ng "special tutoring classes" sa kanya tungkol sa buhay ay ito:

"Hindi mo dapat iyakan ang nakaraan. Isipin mo, bakit sa harap nakalagay ang mata? Iyon ay para lagi mong makita ang hinaharap."
-DORAEMON to NOBITA.

O diba ang tindi?

Pero Prof. Doraemon, paano kung ang nakaraan ay unti-unting pumupunta sa iyong hinaharap?

im posting this because i would want to mark this day

2006-09-05T20:58:00.000+08:00

as the day you rekindled whatever we had before.

though as confusing as it may seem to me, if its friendship you'd like to have with me again, keep in mind that we've never been "just friends" ... i dont know.

i can't think straight with all the smileys (Ü) you had all over your messages... pun intended...

im placing my heart again on the floor.

this time...

i hope you'll take slow on stepping on it.

* kasalanan mo to dearest diary. mamatay ka na sana. *

this time, I want to try to let you know me from a distance and see just how much that changes things.

2006-09-03T20:31:00.000+08:00

I've been feeling lazier than my usual lazy self lately and it's affecting my job - which is being a hardcore accounting major. I have my class in late afternoons until evening and I assure you that I am a PM person but recently I would rather skip those very important lectures and just lie down and zone off to dreamland.

This. Is. Alarming.

I would not like to admit it but I desperately need a MUSE. Not just an inspiring, energy-triggering lovely booster but something or someone who'd stir all the emotions in me- making making me giddy and wanting to work all the time. I miss the stress.

Argh.

"Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple."

2006-08-29T06:51:00.000+08:00

days like this, i really wish i didn't have to be too numb to let it all out and cry my eyes out.

so please, anyone, save me from what i am becoming. i hate crying in front of people. bury your emotions, swallow the tears, embrace the seething pain, and just laugh it all up. for godsakes, there are people around you!

and when i'm all alone again...

my world would stop spinning and i'd feel stuck inside myself. i need an escape. and there's nothing worse than feeling i am engraved inside what is causing the sorrow.

will i ever be good enough?

super gemrory

2006-08-27T07:13:00.000+08:00

i want to save the world!

really.

i recently found out that the world is infested with so much self-absorbed suckers and that they should be eliminated. IMMEDIATELY.

am i being too harsh here? no. i don't think so.

is it just me or can't anyone else see how everyone tries to act as if their better than the next person? come on, you can't all be that gullible.

frazzled. umaga palang durog na ako.

2006-08-25T08:00:00.000+08:00

kakaibang JPIA day. yun lang ang masasabi ko.
(avocado boyrl is wearing yellow then white)

if you have a reason, you don't need to shout.

2006-08-20T21:39:00.000+08:00

i just realized i spend most of my time questioning "why" and looking for lost reasons. i lose something i would later find, or i found something i would lose later on. it's like what they say "losing what i have in the night and finding what i can almost have in the day". (do i make sense here?), it's my ultimate lifetime measure of happiness, to find and lose, and find again things, persons, and feelings.

and when the time that i decide to leave my door unlocked, i know i can stand up and go on with what i do best. i shall continue searching objects, people and lost emotions, with the knowledge that i will probably lose everything, AGAIN. but this time, i shall find outwhat true happiness means.

"gustong-gusto ka nang makita

at muling nasasabik

sayong ngiting

di makapaghintay sayong pagbabalik

wag mong isipin

bale wala sila

gustong-gusto lang

makapiling lang kita"

-hayaang maidlip, join the club-

kapag 8 oras pa rin ang tulog mo... surehit maDEDEBAR ka.

2006-08-16T21:34:00.000+08:00

huwag naman sana.

* jeep na byaheng DEBARMENT ... sakay na ... libre ko pa kayo ng pamasahe! *

sa totoo lang, aaminin ko hindi ko alam itong pinasok ko. ang alam ko lang ay eto lang ang kaya kong gawin. dito lang ako interesado at dito lang ako may patutunguhan. siguro naging parte na yun dati "kasi wala lang magawa" napasunod lang sa trip na course ng iba... pero ngayong andito na ko. nakapasok. oo nga't nakasabit... but nevertheless nakapasok... kelangan ko na panindigan. icareer kung baga.

ewan ko lang kung kaya ko.

nakakadismaya ang mga grades ko. alam kong hindi buhay ang mga 1.0's at 3.0's pero ampangit naman kung makakatanggap ako ng 5.0 lalo na... kung dalawang 5.0. Surehit bbye uste na ang matatamo ko nun. alam ko rin naman na hindi ako katalinuhan, minsan nakakatsamba, madalas tamad, may sumpong sipagin... pero alam ko kaya ko rin to.. kung gusto ko. ang labo ba?

kaya ngayon nagbabawas na ako ng tulog, napapadalas sa library, binubudget ang dota time, nacocornyhan sa lovelyf, at higit sa lahat bago matulog, pagkagising wala akong ginawa kundi magaral.

alam ko marami pa ko kelangan isagad, itodo, iturbo. sana lang pagbigyan ako ulit ni Papa God. sinabit na nya ako dito sana hanggang next year na.

kung sa kabugokan sa lablyp eh nakakapagturbo ako, sigurado dito kaya ko.

"...hindi pala exam na may passing rate ang buhay. Hindi ito multiple choice, identification, true or false, enumeration o fill in the blanks na sinasagutan, kundi essay na isinusulat araw-araw. Huhusgahan ito hindi base kung tama o mali ang sagot, kundi base sa kung may kabuluhan ang mga naisulat o wala. Allowed ang erasures."
-Bob Ong, IDOL

"how many great loves do you get for a lifetime?"

2006-08-14T08:26:00.000+08:00

"One... If you are lucky".

I believe that I am fucked up. And that though everything in my world is sailing well, there would always be that part that I am itching to fix, in which I don't and can't have control of. I feel so helpless and vulnerable when it comes to him. It's like whenever I'm at the point of stepping forward he'd always have the ability to drag me two steps backward.

I am too jaded for him.
He’s too ingenuous for me.

I want to forget. I aim to forget.

But there are just some things that are too good and innocent to forget.

"Maybe the past is like an anchor holding us back.
Maybe, you have to let go of who you were to become who you will be. "

killing spree!!! after 4 months. boom!

2006-08-12T22:32:00.000+08:00

OVER MY HEAD

* The Fray*

I never knew

I never knew

That everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a queue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth

But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears

Everyone knows

I'm in Over my head

Over my head

With eight seconds left in overtime

He's on your mind

He's on your mind

Let's rearrange

I wish you were a stranger

I could disengage

Just say that we agree and then never change

Soften a bit until we all just get along

But that's disregard

Find another friend and you discard

As you lose the argument in a cable car

Hanging above as the canyon comes between

Everyone knows

I'm in Over my head

Over my head

With eight seconds left in overtime

He's on your mind

He's on your mind

Everyone knows

I'm in Over my head

Over my head

With eight seconds left in overtime

He's on your mind

And suddenly I become a part of your past

I'm becoming the part that don't last

I'm losing you and its effortless

Without a sound we lose sight of the ground

In the throw around

Never thought that you wanted to bring it down

I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves

And everyone knows

I'm in Over my head

Over my head

With eight seconds left in overtime

He's on your mind

He's on your mind

Everyone knows

He's on your mind

Everyone knows

I'm in over my head

I'm in over...

Everyone knows

I'm in Over my head

Over my head

With eight seconds left in overtime

He's on your mind

He's on your mind

... he's in my mind ...

again.

daily self reminder sa mga panahong ganito

2006-08-08T11:07:00.000+08:00

i love my major.
accounting is my passion.

arriving at recto station, paparating na sa recto station. this train is up to purgatory, ang tren na ito ay hanggang sa impyerno.

2006-07-30T00:09:00.000+08:00

I wish I could rave that Paris Hilton's Stars Are Blind is a flop but the deal is I can't even stop humming the fuckin' song. Definitely a proof that a shrewd trademark isn't all the way shrewd. Am I making sense here?

I still think that the song's music video is kind of sleazy with Paris pole-dancing to her shocking melodious voice. Anyway I thought, with the title of this song, that it would contain some teen angsty pa-tweetums lyrics about love pero though it was like that, bumawi sila sa beat. It was indeed, as expected, a love song but with a touch of reggae/ska beat which made it catchy by my standards.

Paris' cooing of lyrics (i still stand by my opinion that it was a PhoneSex voice) helped too, making her sound as if she was a real rational human being, making the song sweet sounding.

On the whole, it's a shocking birth to Hilton's music career.

***

Still been having those mind-numbing migraines Tylenol can't control. This is the end for now. I'm tired and I still have to get up early to study. (Yes, I do study.) Good night.

Random Thoughts for Today:

"We only get what we give."
(New Radicals)

I didn't give away trouble.

Why am at the receiving end of one?

question 15. what is sweetest thing a guy/gal did for you?

2006-07-26T00:23:00.000+08:00

I was answering a survey in friendster. It’s my form of de-stressing activity, FYI. And I couldn't help but stop and be frazzled by this question.

Why?

Because there are a lot of stuff that my many past and present someones did for me, which would qualify as something sweet. And a whole lot of things that would qualify as the sweetest. How could that be? Eh diba SWEETEST nga, so basically it connotes ONE great thing.

I’m going to admit it, lately I’ve been thinking of a particular person frequently. In the middle of the day, while I am furiously answering my accounting practice problems, reviewing my law lectures, highlighting my management book, having a few good laughs with my friends, riding the lrt, running frantically to my class, on the way home, while eating/sleeping/taking a bath, and during other weird activities I love doing - this certain person always and constantly manages to surface from my subconscious. And it doesn’t help that though we rarely see each other, this person is able to make his existence felt in slight insignificant ways.

I can’t think of the sweetest thing anyone did for me because all I could think about is all the things he did for me. Miniscule as they are they are still severely imprinted in my memory, which I fear I’d have a hard time rubbing off.

You know what this question did to me? It made me agitated.

Instead of soothing my senses, my livid memories of our fleeting story was relived. Something that I have been completely submerging in the deepest waters of my murky memoirs.

So you ask me again, what is the sweetest thing a girl/boy did for me?

It was everything he did for and with me.

lrt.pamaypay.payong.jeep.gk.tequila.accounting.literature.statistics.text.pav.atibapa.

naught be zero, naught be free

2006-07-21T11:42:00.000+08:00

i owe not you, nor you owe me.

at least for now.

didn't she not see the signs?

his reluctance to reveal a part of his past, his vagueness to press on, his immense conviction to a promise, and most of all his subtle undivided attention for her.

she is a dim-witted observer when it comes to this.
only now she remembers... and perceives.

that he loved her. loved her. and she did too. how could she and he not see what they saw? the signs weren't quite as obvious as they could have been but it was there. yes, there had been signs.

love stumbles, they once said. it could be that or they were both simply just too close to see what was happening. or doesn't want to.

this ends.

for now.

ang umaatikabong balita sa ultimate student na si odacova boyrl!

2006-07-20T08:38:00.000+08:00

may masdadaig pa ba sa banat pinakikinggan ko ngayon?

walang improvement ang kalagayan ng sakit ko. you may now brand me as "the ultimate student". kung si ellen eh susulong sa baha para lang makapasok sa school (hindi dahil para mag-aral yan, i bet. kundi para sa ORG nya! kung saan nya kami pinagpapalit! hahaha.) ang motto ko naman: "hahamakin ko ang lagnat, makapasok lamang!" isa akong blazing burger sa malafrigider (astig talaga ng word na yun!) naming classroom kung kakamustahin nyo ako.

anyway, walang koneksyon ang kantang to sa trankaso ko. yeah right. eto lang yun mga panahon na lalong nageemphasize ng single-ness ng isang tao. yun ang nakakakaasar pag may sakit eh. come on guys, admit it. when you're feeling well, masasabi mo talagang "I AM FUCKIN' SINGLE AND FABULOUS!" sabay kampay!... pero when you're down and under with cold, cough, and fever, while you're looking hell isa lang ang sigaw ko: "NASAN NA YUN PRINCE!!!!!! YUN MAGSSAVE SAKIN!!!! NASAN NAAAAAAAA!!!! AYOKO NA MAGING SINGLLLLLLLEE!!!"

it would be an abomination kung wala na kong sakit eh ganun pa rin ang feeling. for your info this 4 months ang longest period na ako ay single. (and fabulous... dapat laging meron nyan!) that's because kinasal ko na ang aking sarili sa dudeparetol! woohoo. haha. kidding aside. these past months have been so far the best months in my life. i think.

that's why right now, despite the occasional rantings of singleness, i still wouldn't like to go deep into the relationship thing. and besides i believe that i am still too young and immature to do something so serious. so there.

ahhhh. you might be wondering about HIM?

the fact is, i'll never be done with him.

I hide because I want to be found.

I walk away to see who'd follow.

I cry to see who'd wipe away my tears.

And I let my heart be broken to see who'd come and fix it.

love team - itchyworms

di naman talaga tayo magsinta_pero gusto nila_kahit ayaw mo bagay daw tayo_di naman totoo mga yakap mo_pang-eksena lamang ito_di mo lang alam_na nababaliw na’ko sa iyo_di ko na yata kaya to ang aking lihim na pakay_ay ang lahat ng ito’y gawing tunay

Sana wag mong sisihin_kung di ko kayang pigilin_sabi mo na mahal mo ‘ko_ngunit di naman seryoso_sana magkasingkulay_ang drama at tunay na buhay ko_ang tanging pag-asa ko_ay nasa tambalang ito

Sinungaling ka_kapag may tao ay nilalambing mo ko_pero pag wala ay sumasama ng turing mo sa ‘kin_ay parang haning bitin na bitin_di nila alam na sa dulo ng tagpo_di na patok ang linya ko_nag-iiba ang iyong asta_hanggang sa susunod na eksena

Sana wag mong sisihin_kung di ko kayang pigilin_sabi mo na mahal mo ‘ko_ngunit di naman seryoso_sana magkasingkulay_ang drama at tunay na buhay ko_ang tanging pag-asa ko_ay nasa tambalang ito

Hello kay tweek_weirdo, dudeparetoltsong, ham, cynco, chonggos.

buko juice ni fruitas. fresh from the farm.

2006-07-18T21:22:00.000+08:00

*screaming* arghhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

my head feels like it has bees swarming in it, i can feel the sticky mucus down my throat and my joints and muscles are in great pain! i hate being sick!

scratch that.

i hate being sick and having no choice but still to come to school!

thankgod, may buko juice savior! i love you mama!

gaaaaaaaaaaahd. why didn't all the vitamin C's i took in didn't perform the way i wanted them! my immune system must not be working! aaaaaarrrrrrghhhhhh!!

you changed me in + ways.

the first cut is the deepest

-sheryl crow-

they call it sacrifice, well i call it bullshit.

2006-07-11T03:18:00.000+08:00

"Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived."

I intensely argue that love is a choice. It’s a to do or not to do. I can accept it or reject it. Terminate it in an instant or let it run its course. Most people, usually the naïve and idealistic ones, suppose that love’s general theory obliges nothing but acceptance. Na-ah, not in my warped egg-shaped world.

The essence of love that really mind-boggles me is that in the start of things everything is plain amazing after which grief and the impracticality befall to be the governing forces. And it takes nothing more but you’re heart breaking into tinee-tiny pieces, you’re ego reconstructed to something microscopic, and you’re eyes wide bloodshot.

Despite my cynicism, I will confess that I still haven’t given up on the wretched four-letter word. I am still in the quest for my own Joe Black.

I often watch people crumble to bits when the object of their bliss evolve to be fond of someone else. And more often than not these things happen between friends. Nakaninang inang ampness… ang experience na yun ay para mo nang hinithit lahat ng yosi para lang makahinga, ininom lahat ng mix ng alcoholic drinks to stay sane, pero nararamdaman mo pa rin yun freakin' pain. In short-term, isa kang suicidal!

But still the people I have watched mahulog sa manhole ng pag-ibig still choose to get-up and love again. (Wala na ba kayong kinadaladala?)

Yun ang magic. I believe. Yun ang love.

When you still believe that theres still a chance when things are hopeless and everyone says “HINDI KAYO MEANT.” Or yun isa pang bullshit na “KUNG KAYO TALAGA EH MAGMEEMEET DIN KAYO ulit IN TIME”…

It’s when you decide to tackle the situation head-on and try as hard as you can to pursue you’re goal because in love the cliché “no pain, no gain” also applies.

But exceptions exist.

And I exist to deny it.

So my dear readers kindly enlighten me... what's love?

I'll answer with this line:
"Multiply it by infinity, and take it to the depth of forever, and you will still have barely a glimpse of what I'm talking about."

Goodnight.

"...I lied when I said waiting was fine..."

Safety In Numbers
Urbandub

kumakain ka ba ng smashed potato?

2006-07-09T00:00:00.000+08:00

in medias res

i dont want to start...

for i might not want to stop.

the day has been good to me despite the heavy rainshowers and puddles of murkish mud. my feet is depressed but i have random things to be giddy about.

mr. ginger - in tagalog... ginoong luya.
i surrender! i am now contaminated with a certified off-the-wall crush virus. i am being magnetized by an extremely opposite pole of magnetic electricity.
and as they always say... "opposites attract".

footlong+large avocado shake with the greatest people in the world.
dudeparetol-tsong extended edition with random laughtrips from dota. talo pero ayos lang. umuulan, nabasa, nabaha, pero game pa rin. i didn't cut class for your info!

and the greatest...

"uy gusto mo ba ng SMASHED POTATO?"

ha? pwede pwede!

my friends, please... murder your darlings

2006-07-07T22:18:00.000+08:00

jaran!

nakakahigh ang quiz-departmentals. tama ngang departmental ang tawag dun dahil pwede akong magDEPART sa ust patungong MENTAL pagkatapos isulat ang mga sagot na kung saan mang place sa outerspace ko hinugot...

kweng kweng kweng. ang corny nun ha.

biglang swerving to the next lane....

im done.

with everything. with him.

why now?

just because. i have no explanation.

last night, i was confronted with the news that he already has a new one... and i left with this line:

"I am happy for him. He deserves to be happy because he is a great person, a terrific guy (in my standards) in fact, and we weren't THAT compatible anyway... "

and this time...

i really meant it.

*super genuine smiley*

wish in one hand, shit in the other. see which fills up first.

2006-07-03T09:47:00.000+08:00

I am here on a new server, still undefeated - I will not let anyone SHUT ME UP for being me, vulgar, obscene or offensive. I will not cease to blab.

I am dissapointed at xanga's management. I have been existing in their archives for quite a long time, four (4) freakin' years infact, and they padlocked my little world all because someone finds my posts offensive and that I was lifting little anecdotes without citing my sources.

ARGUMENT #1:
Fine, I come clean that it was MY fault that I haven't quoted who made this song or that song. I apologize for my negligence (wow, ginagamit ang ComLaw word) But then everyone does it. They post song lyrics on their blogs without even naming who composed it. And did you see my footnote: WALA LANG TRIP KO LANG IPOST KASI I CAN RELATE. I did not claim that these lyrics were made by yours truly. Can anyone see the difference between that and plagiarism?

I am infuriated that someone would shut down my own obras without even e-mailing me: "HEY WE'RE GONNA SHUT DOWN YOUR BLOG BECAUSE WE THINK YOU COPIED THIS AND THAT."

It's a fucking show of insolence.

ARGUMENT #2:
I protest that my journal should be shut down because SOMEONE (meaning A PERSON, with an A/ONE PERSON - in tagalog NAGIISA SYA) finds me and my posts offensive.

OF-FEN-SIVE: (adj.) Causing anger, displeasure, resentment, or affront. SYNONYMS: disgusting, loathsome, nasty, repellent, repulsive, revolting, vile.

Am I or is my attitude in a position of attack? Ewan. I don't believe that I was attacking SOMEONE through my posts. Those were my random outbursts of ideas and I don't believe that they were directly aimed only to ONE PERSON.

Still, xanga reported that my account password was changed JUNE 20, 2006 at 22:04. And then two days after that someone flagged down my blog and complained that I was getting waaaay out of line of the thing called "freedom of speech". And so they resulted onto shutting my site down.

Fine, do that. Pero could I just please recover my posts? No, they said. They can't do that.

Oh FUCK YOU FUCKIN' WHORES!!!

I was having a fit yesterday about this issue, a friend of mine, let's call her ubas texted me this comforting message: "offensive? ... pag hindi ka offensive, hindi ikaw si jesrora. built in na sa genes mo yun! inang nginang ka." amfefeng pukepyas na anak ng etits ng lola mo. it was MY blog, MY posts, MY thoughts, MY judgements, MY ramblings, MY obras... and anybody who messed with those should pay.

If you can't stand my beliefs typed in this page you are very welcome to click on the X mark on the upper right hand corner.

Don't blame me I didn't warn you.

"revele el remedio" por urbandub

2006-06-26T20:58:00.000+08:00

you might ask... why of everyone in my world did i choose you?

i did not.

for if i did, there would be reasons as to why i am excercising this exemplary fidelity on you. but i have none.

i was and still am defeated by your charm.

***

this separation is killing me

you say I should’ve thought that

before I did what I have done

so easier to put the blame on you

I should’ve looked inside of me

But it’s all in vain as I try to explain

She pulls away…

We could’ve been more

Can we ever have these feelings again?

We should’ve been more

Maybe in time we’ll realize that maybe

Fate reveals the remedies

Making it feel like it will be like the first time.

Still the vision on my mind

Cuz now I realize

it’s so damn hard to give you up

no way out of this hole

can we ever have us back again?

let’s not start and put the blame part away

can you honestly say

you can see me with another one?

Another one, another chance with you

I want more, I want more, I want more.

Regretting it now

Can fate reveal to me?

The questions to why?

Reveal the remedy.

Could’ve been more

Should’ve been more

Maybe in time we’ll realize that maybe

That fate reveals the remedies

making it feel like

it will be like the first time

just like the first time.